I HATE TO BE ALL "I TOLD YOU SO," BUT I WAS REALLY AHEAD OF THE CURVE ON THIS WHOLE "LOW CARB LIFESTYLE".

IT USUALLY GOES LIKE THIS FOR ME: MY APARTMENT IS CLEAN, BUT THE DISHES ARE DIRTY AND MY LAUNDRY NEEDS TO GET DONE. OR THE DISHES WILL BE DONE BUT THERE WILL BE LAUNDRY TO BE DONE OR MY APARTMENT NEEDS DUSTING. SOMETIMES I'LL GET THE DISHES DONE AND MY APARTMENT WILL BE CLEAN, BUT THE LAUNDRY WILL BE OUT OF HAND AND THE BATHROOM WILL BE A MESS. RIGHT NOW THE APARTMENT IS CLEAN, BUT THERE'S DISHES AND LAUNDRY. AND BILLS. I GUESS I'LL JUST HAVE TO ACCEPT THE FACT THAT I'LL NEVER BE ONE OF "THOSE PEOPLE".

IT'S HARD FOR ME TO STAY NEUTRAL ABOUT A PERSON, I'VE REALIZED. I EITHER ADORE THEM OR ARE THOUROUGHLY ANNOYED BY THEM (AND IT'S USUALLY THE LATER, BTW, SO DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY).

IT'S STRANGE TO ME THAT MCDONALD'S HAS WIRELESS INTERNET ACCESS BUT DOESN'T ACCEPT CREDIT CARDS.

AS LONG AS I'M ON THE SUBJECT OF CHEESE, HERE'S ANOTHER THING: WHEN YOU ORDER, SAY, A CHEESEBURGER, IT'S USUALLY LIKE $0.50 MORE THAN A HAMBURGER. BUT IF YOU ORDER SOMETHING THAT COMES WITH CHEESE BY DEFAULT (BIG MAC, FOR EXAMPLE) AND SAY, "NO CHEESE," THEY DON'T SUBTRACT $0.50 FROM THE PRICE. OVER THE COURSE OF MY LIFE, IF I THINK ABOUT IT -- IT ADDS UP.

SOMETIMES I IMAGINE THAT I DEMANDED THAT MONEY BACK. AND THEN PUT IT ALL IN THE BANK. AND THEN, AFTER THE YEARS, AS IT COMPOUNDED INTEREST, I BECAME A RICH, RICH MAN. ALL FOR DEMANDING THE MONEY THAT WAS ALREADY MINE.

FOR SOME, IT'S BEING A DOCTOR, FOR OTHERS, IT PUBLISHING A NOVEL. FOR ME, MY PROUDEST ACHIEVEMENT IS AVOIDING CHEESE MY ENTIRE LIFE. YOU SEE, IT'S HARD TO DO. PEOPLE DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW OTHERS COULDN'T LIKE IT, SO THEY PUT IT EVERYWHERE -- WITHOUT TELLING YOU!

PEOPLE HAVE MANAGED TO SNEAK ME CHEESE 3 TIMES SO FAR THAT I KNOW ABOUT:

1. IN 1981 MY SISTER FORCED ME TO EAT CHEESE TORTELLINI.
2. IN 1990 MY GIRLFRIEND FORCED ME TO EAT A BITE OF PIZZA (I THREW UP).
3. IN 1991 A GIRL AT THE 163RD STREET MALL MADE ME A TURKEY SANDWICH WITH CHEESE. I TOOK A BITE ... IT TASTED FUNNY AND I FREAKED OUT.

I USED TO MORE IN THE PAST, BUT EVEN TODAY I STILL SOMETIMES WISH I COULD GET AWAY WITH WEARING FOUNDATION. THE THING IS NO MATTER HOW "INVISIBLE," "SMOOTH," "SHEER," "NATURAL-LOOKING," SUPER-BLENDABLE," "GLOWING," "MATTE," "VANISHING," "FLAWLESS," "LIGHT-DIFFUSING," "NUTRIENT-RICH," THE BOTTLE OR COMPACT SAYS, IT ALWAYS LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE WEARING MAKEUP. AND WHEN MEN WEAR MAKEUP, THEY JUST LOOK WEIRD (AND I'M NOT EXACTLY SURE WHY THAT IT, BUT IT IS.)

I KNEW THIS DOG NAMED DAISY ONCE. SHE USED TO CHEW ON ROCKS INSTEAD OF BONES AND AS A RESULT, SHE HAD WORN HER TEETH AWAY TO ALMOST NOTHING. IT WAS GROSS BUT MY POINT IS THAT SOMETIMES DOGS DO SELF-DISTRUCTIVE THINGS.

OVER SWEET N LOW AND EQUAL, I CHOOSE SPLENDA. AND I PREFER IT STOLEN, IF YOU MUST KNOW.

OH, AND WINE IS ANOTHER ONE. I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT PEOPLE GO CRAZY ABOUT WINE FOR. IT ALL TASTES THE SAME. AND I'VE TRIED REAL HARD WITH THAT ONE. BUT IN GENERAL, I DON'T REALLY MIND BECAUSE DINNER IS ALWAYS CHEAPER IF YOU DON'T GET WINE.

WHILE I'M ON THE SUBJECT OF BASIC THINGS I DON'T REALLY UNDERSTAND ... ANOTHER ONE IS BEER. PEOPLE TALK ABOUT DRINKING BEER LIKE IT'S AKIN TO HAVING SEX. I'LL DRINK BEER IF I NEED TOO, BUT IT'S ONLY EVER OUT OF NECESSITY. I'D ALWAYS RATHER HAVE A COKE.

FOR A GOOD LONG TIME, I TRIED TO UNDERSTAND AND APPRECIATE SPORTS. SPORTS OF ANY KIND. BUT I FINALLY GAVE UP ON EVEN PRETENDING TO CARE. THAT'S FINE, BUT EVERY NOW AND AGAIN, I WONDER WHAT PEOPLE GET SO EXCITED ABOUT. ESPECIALLY WHEN I'M ON AN AIRPLANE AND I WATCH A MAN READ A SPORTS SECTION. IT'S LIKE MAYBE HOW AN ILLITERATE PERSON GETS WHEN THEY HEAR TWO PEOPLE DISCUSSING THE LATEST JOHN GRISHAM NOVEL.

I DECIDED TO BE ADVENTEROUS AND HAVE FILIPINO FOOD FOR LUNCH. I GOT A RICE PLATE WITH A PORK AND CHICK PEA CURRY. IT CAME WITH A SIDE ORDER OF LUMPIA, THESE DELCATE FINGER-SIZED PORK EGGROLLS.

THEN I HAD EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA.

I LOVE MY IPOD PERHAPS AS MUCH AS MY SISTERS LOVE THEIR CHILDREN. I GUESS I HAVE PROBLEMS.

WALLGREENS WILL BE MY FINANCIAL DOWNFALL, MARK MY WORDS.

WHITE MYSTERY IS THE BEST FLAVOR OF AIRHEADS ... BUT WHAT IS IT? IT'S BEEN DRIVING ME CRAZY FOR YEARS.

I LIKE THE IDEA OF KFC, BUT ALMOST NEVER ACTUALLY LIKE IT WHEN I END UP GOING.

RED VINES ONLY EXIST, AS FAR AS I CAN TELL, ON THE WEST COAST. PEOPLE FROM HERE UNAMIMOUSLY PREFER THEM TO TWIZZLERS, WHICH THEY DON'T CONSIDER TO BE REAL LICORICE. WHEN I FIRST MOVED HERE, I HATED RED VINES, BUT HAVE SINCE LEARNED TO ENJOY THEM JUST FINE. I STILL VERY MUCH PREFER TWIZZLERS, HOWEVER.

WHY DON'T THEY TALK ABOUT QUICKSAND ANYMORE?

RUBBER GLOVES MAKES DOING THE DISHES SLIGHTLY EASIER, I'M HOPING, SINCE I JUST BOUGHT MYSELF A PAIR.

TOP RAMEN REALLY DOES THE TRICK SOMETIMES.

WHEN I WAS A KID, GOING TO TGI FRIDAYS WAS LIKE GOING TO THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY TODAY. NOW IT'S LIKE GOING TO DENNY'S.

ALL I REMEMBER FROM THIS DAY WAS THAT MY APARTMENT WAS MESSIER THAN IT HAD EVER BEEN.

PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE OF ME FROM THIS EVENING EXISTS ON THE INTERNET IN TWO DIFFERENT PLACES!