FOR SOME, IT'S BEING A DOCTOR, FOR OTHERS, IT PUBLISHING A NOVEL. FOR ME, MY PROUDEST ACHIEVEMENT IS AVOIDING CHEESE MY ENTIRE LIFE. YOU SEE, IT'S HARD TO DO. PEOPLE DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW OTHERS COULDN'T LIKE IT, SO THEY PUT IT EVERYWHERE -- WITHOUT TELLING YOU!

PEOPLE HAVE MANAGED TO SNEAK ME CHEESE 3 TIMES SO FAR THAT I KNOW ABOUT:

1. IN 1981 MY SISTER FORCED ME TO EAT CHEESE TORTELLINI.
2. IN 1990 MY GIRLFRIEND FORCED ME TO EAT A BITE OF PIZZA (I THREW UP).
3. IN 1991 A GIRL AT THE 163RD STREET MALL MADE ME A TURKEY SANDWICH WITH CHEESE. I TOOK A BITE ... IT TASTED FUNNY AND I FREAKED OUT.