MIDDLE AGE BORES ME.

I USED TO WANT TO HAVE ANOREXIA; NOW I WANT TO BE ADDICTED TO PLASTIC SURGERY.

I had I dream where I was being chased by paparazzi.

PLEASE DREAM COME TRUE.

ATTENTION RAISINS: CEASE AND DESIST. NOBODY ON EARTH LIKES YOU. YOU RUIN EVERYTHING.

WHAT DO RICH PEOPLE DO WITH PENNIES?

MY NEW TOOTHBRUSH PROMISED WHITE TEETH IN 28 DAYS. AFTER JUST TWO WEEKS THREE PEOPLE COMPLIMENTED ME ON HOW WHITE MY TEETH WERE. AND I STILL HAVE TWO WEEKS TO GO. I WOULD SAY THE NAME OF THE TOOTH BRUSH BUT SINCE THEY ARE NOT PAYING ME, LET ME JUST SAY THIS: IF YOU ARE LOOKING FOR A TOOTHBRUSH THAT WHITENS YOUR TEETH: IT IS OUT THERE.

I'M HAVING A POT RENAISSANCE AND THE ONLY THING I COULD TRULY HOPE TO COME OUT OF IT IS MY LONG-STANDING GOAL OF WRITING ONE GOOD ONE-SENTENCE ENTRY A DAY FOR ONE MONTH (WITHOUT GOING BACK AND CHANGING THE DATES AROUND. SO FAR SO BAD.

HERE'S ONE OF THE STRANGEST THINGS THAT HAPPENED TO ME IN THE LAST YEAR: UPON RETURNING TO MY GYM AFTER BEING ABROAD FOR SIX MONTHS, THE LOCKER ROOM ATTENDANT HANDED ME THE KEY TO LOCKER #27 -- MY USUAL. IN ADDITION TO BEING REMARKABLE THAT HE REMEMBERED MY LOCKER, HE MADE ABSOLUTELY NO ACKNOWLEDGMENT OF THE FACT THAT I WAS GONE. IT WAS BUSINESS AS USUAL.

MORE DEPRESSING THAN EVERYONE GETTING OLD IS THAT EVERYONE IS GETTING MIDDLE-AGED. AND FAT. FML. KMN.

WE HATE IT WHEN OUR FRIENDS BECOME SUCCESSFUL. ALSO, IT MAKES US A LITTLE BIT CRAZY.

A CONDOM IS THE OPPOSITE OF A PAT OF BUTTER.

TWEETS REJECTED BY TWITTER:

happy diarrhea came, sad vicodin didn't

SOMETIMES I PUT THE WRONG KEY INTO THE LOCK JUST TO PROVE THAT I'M NOT DREAMING.

FUCK YOU AND YOUR RISD MYSTIQUE.

DEAR FRENCH T.V.,

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

WARMLY,
JACK SHAMAMA

MY FAVORITE THING IS ONLINE LURNING. WHEN PEOPLE ASK WHAT I DID TODAY I CAN SAY, "I FINISHED MY CLASS ON [REDACTED FOR PRIVACY REASONS]." THEY DON'T NEED TO KNOW I DIDN'T GET OUT OF BED.

AT THIS POINT IN TIME, I AM ENJOYING SOME PISTACHIOS WHICH I JUST NOTICED HAPPEN TO BE FROM IRAN. THEY ARE PERFECTLY SALTED AND GRILLED, EARTHIER AND RICHER THAN THE PISTACHIOS I USUALLY ENJOY FROM MONOPRIX, AND AT 3€50 FOR A 500 GRAMS, THEY'RE LESS THAN ONE-THIRD THE PRICE. SOMEHOW THIS FEELS SUBVERSIVE.

I MISS MY CREDENZA, MY CHAIRS. MY IRRELEVANT PLASTIC KNICKKNACKS AND EPHEMERA.

THE HARDEST THING ABOUT LIVING IN FRANCE FOR ME IS THE FACT THAT YOU HAVE TO PRESS THE "+ CHANNEL" BUTTON TO TURN ON THE TV.

IF GIVEN THE CHOICE BETWEEN A BLOWJOB OR HAVING MY BACK TICKLED FOR TEN MINUTES, I'D CHOSE THE BACK-TICKLE, AS IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO TICKLE YOURSELF, BUT YOU CAN JERK OFF.

IS IT ME OR DOES IT NEVER FEEL LIKE A FRIDAY ANYMORE, EVEN WHEN IT'S FRIDAY?

A COMFORTABLE BED CAN BE A GREAT LUXURY OR A PRISON.

THE MOST AMAZING THING ABOUT FRANCE IS THIS:



REGULAR OLD HARIBO GOLD BEARS (OURS D'OR) COME WITH A PINK-COLORED ROSE-FLAVORED BEAR NOT FOUND IN THE US. THEY ARE AS DELICIOUS AS THEY ARE BEAUTIFUL. I WISH YOU COULD BE EATING SOME HERE WITH ME, DEAR READER.

I'LL WORK ON MY ABS WHEN I'M DEAD.

OK, FOLKS, HERE'S "THE REAL SECRET": MOST PEOPLE WORK TO MAKE MONEY SO THAT YOU CAN BUY THINGS BECAUSE YOU THINK THEY'LL MAKE THEM HAPPY. BUT IF YOU DON'T WORK, YOU WILL BE HAPPY SO IT DOESN'T MATTER THAT YOU CAN'T AFFORD STUFF IN THE FIRST PLACE.

IF GOD IS SO ALL-POWERFUL THEN WHY DOES HE MAKE MEALY APPLES?

FILE UNDER: FRENCH ARE RETARDED

THEY ACTUALLY SAY, "ENCHANTÉ" WHEN THEY MEET YOU.

WATCHING THE FOOD NETWORK ON SUNDAY: BORING BUT DEPENDABLY COMFORTING.

IN PHACE NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU WHINE.

GREEDY FOLKS MAY LOSE A FINGER!

GREEDY FOLKS MAY LOSE A FINGER!
Originally uploaded by shamama

I'M LISTENING TO "GALLOWBIRD'S BARK" BY THE FIERY FURNACES RIGHT AND ITS BRINGING ME BACK TO 2003. IT'S BIZARRE THAT I CAN BE BROUGHT BACK TO 2003 SINCE IT DOESN'T SEEM THAT LONG AGO AND MY LIFE WASN'T THAT DRASTICALLY DIFFERENT THEN VS. NOW, AND YET IT WAS FIVE FUCKING YEARS AGO, WHICH WOULD BE LIKE COMPARING MY LIFE WHEN I WAS A SENIOR IN HIGH SCHOOL TO MY FIRST YEAR AFTER COLLEGE WHICH IS FREAKING ME OUT IN THIS EXISTENTIAL WAY THAT'S REALLY HARD FOR ME TO DESCRIBE ANY OTHER WAY THAN SAYING "IT'S FREAKING ME OUT, MAN."

I'M FINDING IT IMPOSSIBLE TO COMMIT TO A FRAGRANCE.

PEOPLE IN LA WALK AROUND WITH PEN CAPS IN THEIR POCKETS -- "JUST IN CASE".

ANOTHER NIGHT ANOTHER DREAM!

ROCCO RODRIGUEZ CHECKED INTO "CELEBRITY REHAB" TONIGHT BECAUSE HE HAD BEEN "EXPERIMENTING" WITH COCAINE (AN 8-BALL A DAY). AND OF COURSE EARLIER THIS YEAR, OBAMA "ADMITTED" TO COCAINE "EXPERIMENTATION" WHEN HE WAS YOUNGER.

EXPERIMENTATION, IF MEMORY SERVES, ENTAILS CREATING A HYPOTHESIS, GETTING A BUNCH OF TEST TUBES AND WEARING A LAB COAT. SO DOES THIS MEAN THEY WERE MAKING IT OR SOMETHING?

I PERSONALLY DON'T NEED ANY OF THESE THINGS WHEN I'M ENJOYING THE WHITE LADY.

THE WORST KIND OF ASSHOLES ARE ASSHOLES WHO DON'T REALIZE THEY ARE ASSHOLES.

WHEN PERFORMING AT THEIR BEST, UMBRELLAS ONLY EVER DELIVER ABOUT 90% OF WHAT THEY PROMISE TO DO. AND IF IT'S REALLY POURING -- WHEN YOU NEED THEM THE MOST -- THEY ARE NOT ONLY AT THEIR LEAST EFFECTIVE, BUT IT'S WHEN THEY'RE MOST LIKELY TO BREAK.

WHAT'S WORSE IS THAT WHEN IT STOPS RAINING, YOU'RE STUCK WITH THIS WET THING THAT DRIPS ON YOU, DOING THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT IT WAS SUPPOSED TO DO IN THE FIRST PLACE.

IT WOULD BE LIKE TAKING MEDICINE THAT DOESN'T EVER CURE YOU AND THEN MAKES YOU SICKER.

AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO FINDS THE "VIVA VIAGRA" AD SOMEWHAT OFF-COLOR? THAT AND THE PEPTO BISMO ONE.

"CLEANING IS MYSTERIOUS, SINCE IT IS THE LABOUR THAT ERASES ITSELF IF IT IS SUCCESSFUL" --JEFF WALL

NOW Y'ALL KNOW WHY I HATE HOUSEWORK!

I MADE MY OWN HAM TONIGHT. ON ACCIDENT.

EVERY ROTTING CORPSE WAS ONCE A CUTE ADORABLE LI'L BABY.

THERE IS SOMETHING ABOUT ME THAT COMPELS PEOPLE TO TELL ME THE GENIUS DRAG QUEEN NAME THEY JUST THOUGHT OF. "WOULDN'T THIS MAKE A GREAT DRAG QUEEN NAME ... " IS A PHRASE I HEAR AT LEAST ONCE A WEEK. I DON'T KNOW WHY THEY PICK ME -- I LIKE DQ'S AS MUCH AS THE NEXT GUY BUT COME ON, PEOPLE.

TRYING TO GET BUFF IS LIKE DRINKING THE OCEAN ONE CUP AT A TIME.

THINKING ABOUT CHANGING MY LAST NAME TO THIS.

"THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE".

I DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT IT, AND I HOPE IT PASSED.

LND

I PUBLISHED A VIDEO ON YOUTUBE ... I MEANT TO CALL IT "NEW NEW ORDER" (BECAUSE IT WAS THE NEW VIDEO BY THE BAND NEW ORDER, BUT I ACCIDENTALLY WROTE "NEW WORLD ORDER" AND SOMEHOW THIS WAS SEEN BY AL QAEDA AND THEY DECLARED A FATWA AGAINST ME. I WAS TERRIFIED. PUDGE, MY CHILDHOOD DOG, APPEARED. HE WAS WEARING A PINK NOVELTY DOG TUXEDO THAT WAS BEDAZZLED WITH RHINESTONES.

I DON'T REALLY CARE HOW I DIE SO LONG AS THE WORDS "HE DIDN'T SEE IT COMING" ARE USED IN MY OBITUARY.

Q: WHAT DID YOU GET FOR BREAKFAST TODAY?

A: A STOMACH ACHE.

SOMETHING IS WRONG WHEN I'M PULLING UP A CHAIR TO DO WORK AND I'VE GOT A MUG OF STEAMING HERBAL INFUSION IN MY HAND. SOMETHING IS WRONG -- OR SOMETHING IS SO RIGHT.

HOW I'VE BEEN FEELING LATELY

TIME CREEPS TODAY ... SINCE THE MOMENT I WOKE UP. FEELS LIKE IT SHOULD BE 4 A.M. BY NOW, BUT IT JUST TURNED MIDNIGHT.

I HOPE THAT WHEN I DIE I GET MORE THAN A LIVEJOURNAL OBIT.

THE PEOPLE I KNOW FROM LA COME IN THE NEATEST LITTLE PACKAGES.

THE ONE THING I REALLY HATE ABOUT CAB DRIVERS IN SAN FRANCISCO IS TIPPING THEM. NOT SO MUCH THE MONEY PART (THOUGH THAT'S SOME OF IT), BUT MORE FOR THE FACT THAT THEY NEVER APPRECIATE HOW MUCH YOU GIVE THEM. YOU CAN GIVE THEM $5 OR $.50 AND THEY ALWAYS THANK YOU JUST THE SAME ... SHEEPISHLY.

I USED TO GET CRAZY ABOUT THE IDEA THAT I LIVED IN THE SAME STATE AS MORRISSEY. THEN JUST TODAY I REALIZED I LIVE ABOUT 1/2 AN HOUR FROM RICHARD RAMIREZ, CHUCK MANSON, AND SCOTT PETERSON (DREAMBOAT!!! J/K ... SORTA.)

THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT PROVINCETOWN.



SOMETHING BORING, THAT IS.

PROOF OF GLOBAL WARMING!

THE HISTORY OF JACK'S CELLPHONE'S, PT. 2

OH THAT GARFIELD. WHEN HE GETS INTO THE LASAGNA IT SLAYS ME EVERY TIME.

!!FAUXJOB EXCLUSIVE!!

HOT DOG SALAD RECIPE
5 HOT DOGS CUT INTO DISCS
2 CUPS BEST FOODS® BRAND MAYONNAISE (THAT'S HELLMANN'S FOR THOSE OF YOU EAST OF THE ROCKIES)

MIX IN LARGE BOWL. SEASON TO TASTE. ENJOY!

I AVOIDED OLIVES MY WHOLE LIFE BUT SUDDENLY I CAN'T STOP EATING THEM (GREEN ONES -- I STILL HAVEN'T GOTTEN AROUND TO TRYING THE BLACK ONES YET. THERE'S A CERTAIN KIND OF OLIVE THAT I'VE GROWN ESPECIALLY FOND OF LATELY: THE KIND THAT TASTE LIKE ICE CREAM. DOES ANYONE KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?

THE SAD THING IS THAT THE SONG IS LIKE 100,000 TIMES WORSE THAN THE WOMAN DANCING.

LND

I WAS IN MY OLD BED IN MY HOUSE IN MIAMI BEACH. I DIDN'T WANT TO GET UP AND GO TO SCHOOL -- NAUTILUS JR. HIGH. IT WAS POURING RAIN. MY MOTHER WAS BEGGING ME TO GO. IT WAS AROUND NOON. I WAS TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHICH CLASSES I HAD MISSED AND IF I HAD ANY ASSIGNMENTS DUE OR TESTS IN THOSE CLASSES. FINALLY I GOT INTO A CAB. I TOLD THE DRIVER THE DESTINATION, "NAUTILUS JR. HIGH" AND HE KNEW WHERE THAT WAS. JULIA WAS IN THE CAB WITH ME. THERE WERE DOWNED TREES ON EITHER END OF NORTH SHORE DRIVE, BUT I TOLD THE DRIVER TO TAKE FAIRWAY DRIVE, WHICH HE DID. THERE WAS A DOWNED TREE AT THE END OF FAIRWAY BUT AS WE APPROACHED, SOMEONE FROM THE CITY CLEARED IT. AS WE TURNED OFF THE ISLAND, IT WAS URBAN, LIKE BROOKLYN. A CAR DROVE BY AND MADE EYES WITH MY SISTER AND I WAS PISSED THAT THEY KNEW EACH OTHER; IN MY MIND IT MEANT THEY HAD SOME SORT OF DRUG-RELATED CONNECTION.

I GOT TO SCHOOL AND WENT TO MS. SPEIGEL'S DRAMA CLASS. THE CLASS WAS ABOUT 1/2 FULL -- BECAUSE OF THE STORM LOTS OF THE STUDENTS AND TEACHERS STAYED HOME AND I WAS PISSED THAT I WASTED CAB FARE. IN LIEU OF ACTUALLY TEACHING THEY WERE PLAYING A SPECIAL ON AN ANDY WARHOL TEN-YEAR CALENDAR ON THE ROLL-OUT VHS/TV. EACH PAGE OF THE TEN-YEAR CALENDAR WAS AN INTERVIEW-MAGAZINE STYLE PROFILE ON SOMEONE ANDY FOUND INTERESTING. E.K. EXCITEDLY WAIVED ME OVER -- ONE OF THE LATER MONTHS WAS DEVOTED TO ME. HE TOOK A POLAROID OF THE SCREEN WHERE THEY TALKED ABOUT THE MONTH.

THE CAPTION ON MY MONTH SAID: I GOT A LETTER FROM JACK SHAMAMA ASKING IF I WOULD BE DO A CAMEO IN HIS HIT GAY PORN SOAP OPERA "WET PALMS" AND I FELL IN LOVE WITH HIM. HE WAS SOME SORT OF WRITER/PORNOGRAPHER AND HE TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE SONG WAS CALLED "FABULOUS MUSCLES" BY A BAND CALL "CHU CHU". (HE MISSPELLED "XIU XIU").

I JUST SORT OF SCANNED IT QUICKLY -- IT WAS ALL TOO MUCH TO DIGEST SO I COULDN'T READ IT THAT CLOSELY, BUT THE FIRST THING THAT CAME TO MIND WAS: HOW DID A.W. KNOW ABOUT ME WHEN HE DIED IN 1987. AND THAT THE ONLY WAY HE COULD HAVE KNOWN ABOUT ME WAS VIA A FAN LETTER I HAD WRITTEN HIM SHORTLY BEFORE HE DIED. (IN NON-DREAM WORLD, I NEVER WROTE HIM A FAN LETTER, BUT IT WAS ACTUALLY IN MS. SPEIGEL'S DRAMA CLASS IN 1987 IN NAUTILUS JR. HIGH I HAD READ IN A NEWSPAPER THAT ANDY WARHOL HAD DIED.)

I WAS PERPLEXED AS HOW ANDY COULD HAVE KNOWN ABOUT ME SINCE HE DIED WHEN I WAS 12. IN MY DREAM, I HAD WRITTEN HIM A FAN LETTER WHEN I WAS YOUNGER BUT IT SEEMED UNLIKELY THAT HE HAD EVER GOTTEN IT -- PLUS HE WAS REFERENCING THINGS THAT HAPPENED AFTER HE DIED. WAS HE STILL ALIVE? HAD I UNCOVERED SOME SORT OF SECRET CONSPIRACY? OR DID HE HAVE SOME SORT OF PSYCHIC POWERS? I WAS COMPELLED TO FIND OUT THE TRUTH, AND INSPIRED BY POTENTIALLY MEETING HIM.

I WENT TO WHAT THE FIRST INCARNATION OF THE FACTORY. THE ADDRESS WAS 266 LEXINGTON AVE. IT WAS AN UN-GENTRIFIED MESS; JUNK EVERYWHERE. POOR PEOPLE STILL LIVED IN THE BUILDING. I WAS LOOKING AROUND: THERE WERE A FEW OLDER SUPERSTARS STILL MINGLING AROUND; THEY WERE ALL REALLY OLD. BILLY NAME WAS THERE. HE WAS IN CHARGE OF THESE GIANT PLANETARIUM-STYLE STAR MAP PROJECTIONS THAT WERE NEATLY STACKED ON SHELVES. EVERYTHING WAS IN DISARRAY AND CRUMBLING.

I GOT ON THE BED AND PONDERED THE TRANSMUTATION OF TIME. ALL THE SUPERSTARS JUMPED INTO BED WITH ME AND POSTULATED THAT THIS WAS SOMETHING ANDY TALKED ABOUT -- A SORT OF SECRET THEORY HE SHARED WITH FEW OTHER PEOPLE ABOUT TRAVELING TIME THROUGH MEDITATION. LILY TOMLIN, IN HER EXISTENTIAL DETECTIVE ROLE FROM "I HEART HUCKABEES" JUMPED INTO BED AND WE TRIED TO SEE IF WE COULD TRANSMIT OURSELVES ACROSS TIME AND SPACE. WE GOT UNDER A GOLD BLANKET AND MEDITATED.

I GOT UP OUT OF BED AND WAS UNSURE IF I HAD MANAGED TO SEND MYSELF THROUGH TIME. I LOOKED AROUND FOR EVIDENCE. THERE WAS A STACK OF OLD BLUE FURNITURE LEGS PILED INTO A CORNER. I LOOKED OUT THE WINDOW AT THE POOR PEOPLE WHO IN THE BUILDING ACROSS THE WAY AND REALIZED I WAS STILL IN "TODAY" AND HADN'T SHIFTED THROUGH TIME. I WALKED HOME -- THIS TIME, DOWN OCEAN AVENUE IN BROOKLYN AND LOOKED AT ALL THE BUILDINGS, WHICH WERE RUN DOWN, LIKE HOW I REMEMBER THEM FROM BROOKLYN WHEN I GREW UP THERE, PRE-GENTRIFICATION, AND I WAS MARVELING IN THE FACT THAT THEY WERE SO RUN DOWN AND HAPPY FOR SOME REASON THAT PLACES LIKE THAT STILL EXISTED.

ALONG THE STREET WAS A GIANT $.99-CENT STORE THAT WAS SETTING UP FOR A GRAND OPENING, DECORATED WITH BALLOONS, STREAMERS, AND A RED, WHITE AND BLUE "GRAND OPENING" BANNER. IT WAS A GIANT VICTORIAN BUILDING, AND THE INTERIOR HAD BEEN SLOPPILY PAINTED WHITE (ALL THE VICTORIAN DETAILS AND MOLDING LOOKED LIKE THEY WERE COVERED IN WHITE-OUT. THE SHELVES WERE STOCKED WITH THE KIND OF CRAPPY STUFF YOU'D FIND IN A .99 CENT STORE. I WAS HAPPY THAT THEY KEPT THE ORIGINAL ARCHITECTURE INTACT AND DIDN'T TRY TO MAKE IT LOOK MODERN.

THERE IS SOMETHING PROFOUNDLY DEPRESSING ABOUT MACY'S; AN AURA OF BLEAKNESS FOLLOWS ALL WHO WORK THERE LIKE A DARK CLOUD.

FUNNY.

LND

DANNY DEVITO SAID HELLO TO ME LIKE HE KNEW ME. TRUE STORY.

LND

I WAS ON A SCAVENGER HUNT, NOT SURE WHAT I WAS LOOKING FOR BUT RUNNING AROUND. I WENT INTO SOMEONE'S HOUSE AND THERE WAS A GIRL ON LIFE SUPPORT. I TIP-TOED OUT.

I WAS IN FRONT OF NEON DELI, IN MIDDLETOWN, CT. I WAS IN MY OLD SUPRA. A TRUCK REAR-ENDED ME, BUT A PERSON WAS STANDING BETWEEN THE TWO CARS. A TORRENT OF BLOOD RAINED DOWN ON MY CAR, COVERING THE BACK AND SIDE WINDOWS, MAKING THEM OPAQUE WITH BLOOD. SOMEONE WAS WATCHING FROM THE STREET. HE STARTED SCREAMING, "OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD."

LND

I WAS TRYING TO ORDER A TUNA FISH SANDWICH WITH ONIONS AND THERE WAS SOME DRAMA.

LND

I WAS GOING TO SOME SORT OF FUND-RAISER PARTY. KATE BUSH WAS THERE WITH MY GROUP AND WE BECAME FAST FRIENDS. I WAS TRYING TO FIND A CAMERA SO SOMEONE COULD TAKE A PICTURE OF THE TWO OF US TOGETHER, BUT COULDN'T.

LND

I WAS AT THE PLANETARIUM. A SCALE MODEL SPACE STATION SLOWLY ROLLED OUT ONTO DISPLAY AND I WAS PLAYING WITH IT. IT WAS BATTERY POWERED. I WAS FLOATING ON A HOVERCRAFT-STYLE RIDE AND WAS GETTING PRETTY HIGH. I WAS OUTSIDE GOING UP AND DOWN THE BLOCK ON THE RIDE TRYING TO CATCH WHAT I WAS CALLING "GREMLINS" IN MY MIND (THEY WERE REALLY JUST LIZARDS). I WOULD SWOOP DOWN, TRY TO GRAB THEM, THEN SHOOT BACK, LIKE 50 FEET. LIZARDS WITH MOHAWKS WERE MORE VALUABLE BUT ALSO MORE DANGEROUS.

I FLEW LOW TO TRY TO GET THEM ONE LAST TIME BUT THEN MY HOVERCRAFT (WHICH WAS BECOMING MORE LIKE YOUR TRADITIONAL MAGIC CARPET) STARTED TO STALL AS ONE OF THE MOHAWKED LIZARD SNAPPED AT MY FINGERS. I WAS SCARED.

I WENT BACK HOME -- I WAS BACK IN COLLEGE, LIVING IN A DORM -- AND WENT TO N.F.'S ROOM. SHE TAPED A LIST OF HER CDS ONTO HER DOOR. I WAS LOOKING FOR A PRETENDER'S CD BECAUSE I WANTED TO HEAR CHRISSIE HYNDE'S VOICE.

REMEMBER MY FIND-MONEY-ON-THE-GROUND MAGIC TRICK?

WELL IT REALLY WORKS!

LND:

SISTER ROMA HAD ME OVER TO HER APARTMENT. IT WAS ON THE BASEMENT-LEVEL AND A GIANT RESTAURANT-STYLE WALK-IN FREEZER. THERE WERE SOME OTHER PEOPLE AROUND. SHE WAS GRILLING CARNE ASADA. I WENT BY THE GRILL TO WARM UP. IT WAS SO COLD. I ASKED HER WHERE SHE BOUGHT THE CARNE ASADA BECAUSE I HAD A HARD TIME FINDING PLACES THAT SOLD MEAT IN THE TENDERLOIN.

THERE WAS ARABIC WRITING IN THE FOAM OF MY CRYSTAL LIGHT PEACH ICED TEA. IF ANYONE SPEAKS ARABIC, EMAIL ME AND I'LL SEND YOU A PICTURE AND YOU CAN TELL ME WHAT THEY'RE TRYING TO TELL ME.

LAST NIGHT'S DREAM

THERE WAS A BACKWARDS SATANIC MESSAGE AT THE END OF THE OUTGOING MESSAGE OF MY SISTER'S VOICEMAIL. I SCREAMED AS LOUD AS I COULD.

SERIOUSLY PHALANGINA.

I MEAN. FOR REAL.

LAST NIGHT'S DREAM

I WAS RETURNING TO COLLEGE TO FINISH OUT MY LAST YEAR. MIKE WAS THERE, SO WAS ERIC.

EVERYWHERE THE SKY WAS THAT BRIGHT, WINTERY WHITE. I WAS SETTLING INTO MY NEW HOUSE AND GETTING USED TO MIDDLETOWN AGAIN.

THEN I WAS GETTING MY HAIR DONE AT A SORT OF CRAPPY BEAUTY PARLOR ON MAIN STREET. THE HAIRDRESSER WAS WORKING THIS DARK BROWN, SUPERVISCOSE PUTTY IN HER HAND. SHE WAS THINNING IT OUT LIKE PIZZA DOUGH. WHEN IT WAS THIN ENOUGH, SHE COVERED MY HAIR WITH IT, LIKE A SWIM CAP. IT WAS SOME SORT OF TREATMENT AND I ASKED HER IF I COULD BUY A BOTTLE.

LAST NIGHT'S DREAM

DENNIS COOPER CALLED TO SAY HE WAS IN TOWN AND HINTED AT WANTING TO GET DINNER. HE WAS TALKING IN A FUNNY VOICE. I WAS EXCITED.

LAST NIGHT'S DREAM

I WAS FINISHING UP COLLEGE, AND I OWED THEM $1133 TO GET MY DEGREE. THEY GAVE ME THE OPTION OF GETTING A DIPLOMA FROM UNIVERSITY OF TEXAS, HOUSTON INSTEAD. SINCE THEY DIDN'T HAVE A NEUROSCIENCE MAJOR AT UT, I REPLACED IT WITH PSYCHOLOGY. A FEW MINUTES AFTER I DID THIS I REALIZED THAT I WAS MAKING A MISTAKE.

LAST NIGHT'S DREAM

I WAS HAVING DINNER WITH TOM CRUISE AND A BUNCH OF OTHER FRIENDS. HE SAT NEXT TO ME AND WE WERE REALLY BONDING; HE WAS NORMAL AND NICE -- LOOKING ME STRAIGHT IN THE EYE WHEN HE WAS TALKING TO ME, HAND ON MY KNEE. I HAS HAVING A HARD TIME RECONCILING THIS SWEET PERSON WITH FREAKISH PERSON THE MEDIA WAS MAKING HIM OUT TO BE. I WONDERED ... WAS IT ALL JUST AN ACT TO DRAW ATTENTION AWAY FROM THE FACT THAT HE WAS JUST A NORMAL (GAY) GUY?

LAST NIGHT'S DREAM
IT WAS SUMMER, I WAS AT BARNARD COLLEGE. THE CAMPUS WAS MADE UP OF 10 OR SO HUGE 1920'S-STYLE OLD BUILDINGS. EACH ONE HAD A GIANT POOL AND EACH WAS VERY CROWDED. I WAS TRYING TO FIND MY FRIENDS, WHO WERE SWIMMING IN THE POOL OF A DIFFERENT BUILDING. EACH BUILDING AND POOL LOOKED EXACTLY THE SAME, AND I WAS WALKING AROUND IN CIRCLES. FINALLY I TRIED TO FOLLOW THE SUN AND I FOUND THEM. THE POOL THEY WERE IN WAS UNDER A BUILDING THAT SAID, "THE ARMORY SHOW" AT THE TOP.

I WISH FLOWERS HAD LABELS ON THEM SO YOU KNEW WHICH WERE WHICH.

I'M NOT NOSTRADAMUS, BUT I PREDICT THE TWELVE GIRLS BAND WILL BREAK UP. IF THEY ALREADY HAVEN'T.

RHYTHM IS BOTH A SONG'S MANACLE

AND IT'S DEMONIC CHARGE.

SOMETIMES I THINK I'M GOING TO BE READING ABOUT THE END OF THE WORLD ON DRUDGEREPORT FOR REAL.

MeTube.

METUBE!!!!

READING SOME RECENT POSTS, YOU MIGHT THINK I HATED ALL WOMEN. I DON'T.

LAST NIGHT'S DREAM

I WAS WATCHING GUS MATTOX'S LAST ADULT MOVIE. THERE WERE SEVERAL MUSICAL NUMBERS IN IT. AT ONE POINT GUS STARTED SINGING "LA CAGE AUX FOLLES*" INTO HIS CO-STAR'S EYES, VERY BUSBY BERKELEY-LIKE. HE TURNED THE BACK OF HIS HEAD TOWARDS THE CAMERA AND REVEALED A DEEP, CLEFT-LIKE SCAR THAT RAN FROM BEHIND HIS EAR TO HIS CLAVICLE.

*I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF THAT'S AN ACTUAL SONG OR NOT

LAST NIGHT'S DREAM

MY SISTER WAS DOING SURGERY ON ME, BUT SHE WAS STILL IN MEDICAL SCHOOL SO SHE ACCIDENTALLY ANESTHESITIZED HERSELF, TOO. AS WE BOTH CAME-TO SHE REVEALED, NERVOUSLY, THAT SHE ACCIDENTALLY ENDED UP DOING FIVE SURGERIES ON THE TWO OF US. IT WAS SERIOUS; SHE HAD TO CALL THE COPS. I WAS TOO DRUGGED TO HAVE ANXIETY, BUT I APPRECIATED THE WEIGHT OF THE SITUATION.

TODAY I'M HAVING MAJOR RAGE ISSUES AGAINST THIS WOMAN.

THE WORST IS WHEN YOU WALK OUR YOUR FRONT DOOR IN THE MIDDLE OF THE AFTERNOON AND IT'S HOT OUT, LIKE SUMMER, AND YOU HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO SLEEP AND A TINY CHINESE MAN WALKS PAST YOU AND SUDDENLY EVERYTHING STARTS TO FEEL LIKE IT'S UNRAVELING AND YOU HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING IN YOUR POWER TO PULL IT TOGETHER. JUST TO CROSS THE STREET.

TAKING MY LEAD FROM JERKEY (AS I USUALLY DO WHEN IT COMES TO THESE SORTS OF MATTERS), I HAVE A NEW FASCINATION WHO GOES BY THE NAME OF PAMELA FISHMAN CIANCI:

EXHIBIT ONE:

PAMELA'S PROFILE ON THE WEBSITE FOR HER WHIMSICALLY NAMED ALCOHOLIC CAKE COTTAGE INDUSTRY IS LIKE 500% LONGER THAN THE SECTION WHERE SHE DESCRIBES WHAT IT IS THAT SHE'S SELLING. NOTE HOW IN ALMOST EACH SENTENCE OF THIS EXHAUSTIVELY COMPREHENSIVE REVIEW OF HER CAREER AND PHILANTHROPIC EFFORTS, SHE CRAFTILY WEAVES IN HER OWN NAME, SOMETIMES MORE THAN ONCE.

EXHIBIT TWO (SOME RECONDITE EXCERPTS FROM THE ALWAYS-IMPENETRABLE SFIST INTERVIEW):

Favorite website
Google, it is just so easy to find things that you need or want to know

Best Band or Musician to come out of the Bay Area
Grateful Dead

SF would be soooo much better if only
If there were less homeless people,cleaner streets in general and less expensive housing.

Favorite artist to come out of the bay area:
Jerry Garcia

I have found/sold/bought the following on craigslist:
nothing

JON CAMERON MITCHELL AID

CAN YOU FIND IT IN YOUR HEART TO HELP THIS ONE-SHIRT-WEARING DRAG LEGEND?


WITH SOME RANDOM ACTOR AT A SCREENING OF "HEDWIG" CIRCA 2001 (SOURCE)


WITH ME AT THE GAYVN AWARDS IN LOS ANGELES, 3/2002


IN AN ARTICLE IN PLAYBILL, 8/2004


AT DAMON'S BIRTHDAY IN NYC, 3/25/2006

THE DIARREAH OF ANNE FRANK

MARCH 23, 1943
2-DAY BOUT -- LEFT ME VERY DEHYDRATED.

NOVEMBER 20, 1943
MIEP BROUGHT UP SOME BAD KUGEL OR SOMETHING; IT TASTED FUNNY BUT I WAS SO HUNGRY. WAS IN THE BATHROOM HALF THE DAY

OCTOBER 29, 1944
LOOSE STOOL, BUT NOT DIARREAH, PER SE, I DON'T THINK

NOVEMBER 12, 1944
MAN, IT'S BEEN GOING ON FOR LIKE 2 DAYS NOW!? I MUST HAVE DYSENTARY OR SOMETHING.

MARCH 9, 1945
I SWEAR IF THE NAZIS DON'T KILL ME, THE FOOD AT THIS CAMP WILL. GOD.

REJECTED MCSWEENY'S LIST #4:

"Title of a gay porn or Mary-Kate and Ashley movie?"

1. How the West Was Fun
2. Passport to Paris
3. Boy Crazy
4. Young Man Crazy
5. How the West Was Hung
6. Switching Goals
7. When in Rome
8. Passport to Paradise
9. Winning London
10. Switching Daddies
11. Holiday in the Sun
12. Greek Holiday

--------------------------------------

Answers:
Gay Porn: 4, 5, 8, 10, 12
Mary-Kate and Ashley Movie: 1, 2, 3, 6, 8, 9, 11
Both: 7

I have ghosts; I have everything.

LAST NIGHT'S DREAM*

ABOUT TEN OR FIFTEEN UNMANED DRONE-LIKE GLIDER PLANES -- MAYBE SIX OR SEVEN FEET WIDE -- SLOWLY AND GRACEFULLY SOARED INTO VIEW FROM OVER TWIN PEAKS IN FORMATION. EACH WENT TOWARDS DIFFERENT BUILDINGS, WOULD DO THIS FAST FLIP AND THEN SPEED UP AND DISAPPEAR INTO THE BUILDING. A FEW SECONDS LATER, THE BUILDING WOULD SLOWLY CRUMBLE. THE FIRST HIT WAS CITY HALL, THEN A POLICE STATION BY MY APARTMENT.

WE WERE GIVEN FAIR WARNING AND ENOUGH TIME TO EVACUATE, BUT I WAS RUNNING LATE. I FOUND MYSELF IN A TWO-LEVEL, INDOOR FILIPINO MINI-MALL. I WASN'T SURE WHERE I WAS GOING; NO ONE IN THERE SEEMED TOO CONCERNED. THEN I WAS DRIVING AROUND SOUTH OF MARKET AND THE PASSENGER TOLD ME THAT NONE OF THE DRONES WERE GOING TO HIT SOUTH OF MARKET.

*TECHNICALLY I HAD THIS DREAM SEVERAL DAYS AGO.

ignore this link to Acme Housing, it's for google purposes only.

MY NON-TIVO-BRANDED DVR JUST CRASHED AND IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE EVERY SINGLE EPISODE OF R. KELLY'S "TRAPPED IN THE CLOSET" ARE GONE. AND YOU SAY I DON'T KNOW WHAT VIET NAM WAS LIKE?

Fatter, Hamster.

LAST NIGHT'S DREAM

IT WAS THE SECOND DAY IN A ROW I WAS HAVING TEA WITH MARTHA STEWART AND I WAS EXCITED THAT IT WAS BECOMING A REGULAR THING. I WAS SITTING IN HER LIVING ROOM, WHICH WAS KIND OF STUFFY AND CLUTTERED. SHE CAME OUT WITH A BUNCH OF COOKIES AND CAKES, INCLUDING FOUR LEMON CAKES SHAPED LIKE THIS VASE TOPPED WITH A SHINING CIRCLE OF ICING. SHE ALSO BROUGHT OUT A SMALL DOMED CAKE THAT WAS COVERED IN A MAROON FONDANT AND SAID, "LONG ISLAND" ACROSS THE CENTER, WHICH I WASN'T SURE IF IT WAS SOME SORT OF PUN ON "LONG ISLAND ICED TEA" OR SOMETHING ELSE. BUT WAS AFRAID TO ASK.