TIME TO PLAY A RILLY, RILLY FUN GAME CALLED "GUESS WHO SAID THAT"!!!

a. I love Los Angeles. I love Hollywood. They're beautiful. Everybody's plastic, but I love plastic. I want to be plastic.

b. Sex is nostalgia for sex.

c. LYING IN THE BATHTUB WITH A PILLOW BEHIND MY HEAD MAKES ME FEEL VERY RICH

d. I believe in long engagements. The longer the better.

e. Frigid people can really make out.

f. I hate PENNIES. I wish they'd stop making them altogether. I would never save them. I don't have the time. I like to say in stores, "Oh forget it, keep those pennies. It makes my French wallet too heavy."

Answers: a-f: Andy Warhol

OH, GOD, I HAD SOMETHING REALLY INTERESTING TO SAY BUT I JUST FORGOT IT. MAYBE IT WILL COME TO ME. NOPE. OK, SORRY TO WASTE YOUR TIME.

I WAS WALKING DOWN THE STREET, COMING FROM TRADER JOE'S, MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS, WHEN THIS WOMAN -- A PERFECTLY NORMAL LOOKING STRANGER -- SAID TO ME, "YOU SHOULD TRY THEIR LO MEIN." AND SO I SAID, "WHAT?" AND SHE SAID, "TRADER JOE'S LO MEIN ... IT'S REALLY GOOD. THEY SELL OUT OF IT MOST DAYS."

I DON'T FUCKING CARE! DID I FUCKING ASK? ARE YOU GOING TO GIVE ME THE TWO SECONDS OF MY LIFE BACK THAT YOU JUST STOLE FROM ME?

NOW HERE'S SOME HARD-HITTING INVESTIGATIVE JOURNALISM.

IF YOU WANT SOMEONE TO LOVE YOU WHO DOESN'T LOVE YOU BACK, INSTEAD OF WHINING ABOUT IT, THERE'S A REALLY SIMPLE THING YOU CAN DO FOR GUARANTEED SUCCESS: YOU WRITE DOWN ON A PIECE OF PAPER "SO-AND-SO WILL BE MY BOYFRIEND" (OR WHATEVER). THEN YOU TAKE THE LETERS AND REARRANGE IT INTO A SENTANCE. THE SENTANCE DOESN'T HAVE TO MAKE SENSE, BUT IT'S BETTER IF IT DOES. THEN YOU DESTROY THE ORIGNAL PIECE OF PAPER IN A CREATIVE WAY. WRITE DOWN THE SENTANCE ON A DIFFERENT PIECE OF PAPER AND CARRY IT WITH YOU OR SAY IT OUT LOUD WHEN YOU'RE JERKING OFF OR BURN IT OR CUT IT INTO AS MANY PIECES AS POSSIBLE. FORGET ABOUT WHAT YOU JUST DID AND FORGET THE WHOLE THING. THIS CAN BE TOUGH, BUT DON'T SWEAT IT AND FIND SOLACE IN THE FACT THAT WHAT YOU WROTE DOWN WILL COME TRUE. NOT OVERNIGHT BUT EVENTUALLY.

ANOTHER LONG EXHAUSTING DAY. ANOTHER PLATE OF BACON.

MANY, MANY YEARS AGO, A PARENT WOULD SLIDE A THIN TUBE OF GLASS INTO THEIR CHILD'S RECTUM IN ORDER TO TAKE THEIR TEMPERATURE. THE GLASS WAS FILLED WITH MERCURY, ONE OF THE MOST POISONIOUS ELEMENTS ON EARTH, AND ALSO THE ONLY KNOWN ELEMENT THAT IS A LIQUID AT ROOM TEMPERATURE.

THE OL' IPOD IS PLAYING TRICKS ON ME. STARTING TO GIVE ME THE HEEBIE JEEBIES. I'M THROWING IT OUT THE WINDOW. SO, IF YOU WANT A FREE IPOD, STAND OUTSIDE MY APARTMENT.

YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE REALLY SCARY? IF WHEN YOU DIED YOU ACTUALLY WENT TO HELL. LIKE FIRE-AND-BRIMSTONE-STYLE, CATHOLIC HELL FOR ETERNITY. LIKE FOR JERKING OFF ONCE OR EATING FISH ON FRIDAY OR WHATEVER. THINK ABOUT IT FOR A SECOND. JUST TO BE SAFE YOU SHOULD SAY A PRAYER TO THE MAN ABOVE. YOU SHOULD THANK HIM FOR EVERYTHING YOU KNOW. YOU SHOULD THANK HIM FOR EVERY BREATH YOU BLOW.

IT'S A BAD OMEN WHEN THERE'S A MEG RYAN MOVIE ON THE TV, AN EVEN WORSE ONE WHEN YOU SIT AND WATCH IT. OLD CRUSHES DIE HARD, OLD HABITS EVEN HARDER.

FITTER HAPPIER MORE PRODUCTIVE COMFORTABLE NOT DRINKING TOO MUCH REGULAR EXCERCISE AT THE GYM (3 DAYS A WEEK) GETTING ON BETTER WITH MY ASSOCIATE EMPLOYEE CONTEMORARIES AT EASE EATING WELL (NO MORE MICROWAVE DINNERS AND SATURATED FATS) A PATIENT BETTER DRIVER A SAFER CAR (BABY SMILING IN BACK SEAT) SLEEPING WELL (NO BAD DREAMS) NO PARANOIA CAREFUL TO ALL ANIMALS (NEVER WATCHING SPIDERS DOWN THE PLUGHOLE) KEEP IN CONTACT WITH OLD FRIENDS (ENJOY A DRINK NOW AND THEN) WILL FREQUENTLY CHECK CREDIT AT MORAL BANK HOLE IN THE WALL FAVORS FOR FAVORS FOND BUT NOT IN LOVE