I'M 99% SURE THEY CHANGED THE RECIPE FOR SWEDISH FISH. THEY'RE MORE CHEWY ALL OF A SUDDEN.

TRUE STORY: I WAS HAVING A CATHY NIGHT AND I DIDN'T EVEN REALIZE IT!

SOMEONE CAME OVER TO PICKUP A COUPON TO THE SEX CLUB AND THEY NOTICED: I HAD A CANDLE BURNING, THE LIGHTS WERE DIM AND I WAS LISTENING TO LAURA BRANNAGAN.

THEN I FOUND OUT SHE DIED (a few nights ago) OF A BRAIN ANEURYSM! TRUE STORY.

HOUSEBOY: GONE.
PLACE: FALLING APART.

IF I HAD MY WAY.
I'D JUST WALK THROUGH THOSE DOORS AND WANDER.
GOING CAFE TO CABARET.

LAUNDRY: DONE
DISHES: CLEAN
BATHROOM: CLEAN
FLOOR: SWIFFERED AND SHINY
BED: MADE

I'VE FINALLY BECOME THE MAN I'VE ALWAYS DREAMED OF BECOMING. IT HELPS THAT I'VE GOT A HOUSEBOY.

SOMEONE ALERTED ME TO THE FACT THAT IT'S "SWIFFER" NOT "SWIFTER". I FEEL SO DUMB.

HATING ME IS THE NEW BLACK. I'M FINE WITH THAT, REALLY.

FUCKED UP THINGS MIGHT HAPPEN TO ME FROM TIME TO TIME, BUT I DON'T GET ANGRY BECAUSE IN THE END I KNOW EVERYONE GETS EXACTLY WHAT THEY DESERVE.

SAMICH SAMICH SAMICH!!!!

THIS OLD GAY PROFESSOR IN COLLEGE ONCE TOLD ME THAT BY THE TIME YOU GET OLD, YOU WILL HAVE SLEPT WITH EVERYONE YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO.

LATELY, I'VE BEEN ABLE TO CHECK QUITE A FEW OLDIES-BUT-GOODIES OFF THE LIST. AND THAT'S GOOD, BUT I STILL HAVE A QUITE A LONG WAY TO GO.

DO YOU KNOW THE WAY?
I'VE BEEN AWAY SO LONG.
I MAY GO WRONG AND LOSE MY WAY.
DO YOU KNOW THE WAY?
I'M GOING BACK TO FIND SOME PIECE OF MIND.

LA IS A GREAT BIG FREEWAY.
PUT A HUNDRED DOWN AND BUY A CAR.
IN A WEEK -- MAYBE TWO! -- THEY'LL MAKE YOU A STAR.
WEEKS TURN INTO YEARS.
HOW QUICK THEY PASS.
AND ALL THE STARS.
THAT NEVER WERE.
ARE PARKING CARS.
AND PUMPING GAS.

YOU CAN REALLY BREATHE.
THEY'VE GOT A LOT OF SPACE.
THERE'LL BE A PLACE WHERE I CAN STAY.
I WAS BORN AND RAISED.
I'M GOING BACK TO FIND SOME PIECE OF MIND.

FAME AND FORTUNE IS A MAGNET.
IT CAN PULL YOU FAR AWAY FROM HOME.
WITH A DREAM IN YOUR HEART YOU'RE NEVER ALONE.
DREAMS TURN INTO DUST AND BLOW AWAY.
AND THERE YOU ARE WITHOUT A FRIEND.
YOU PACK YOUR CAR AND RIDE AWAY.

WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.

"FAMILY CIRCUS" IS GREAT. AND KUDOS TO BILL KEANE FOR THINKING OF SO MANY HILARIOUS FAMILY FOIBLES OVER THE YEARS. BUT IF THAT WAS MY FAMILY, MAN, I WOULD GO ON A MURDER-SPREE STARTING WITH PJ. THEN BILLY. THEN DOLLY. THEN JEFFY.

NO WAIT, I LIKE JEFFY. BUT, LIKE, THEIR DOG IS NAMED "BARFY". C'MON.

AS A RULE -- GENERALLY SPEAKING -- PEOPLE WHO GET INTO BAR FIGHTS ARE SEXIER THAN THOSE WHO DON'T.

THIS GUY'S BLOG IS REAL SASSY. SOMETIMES I WORRY IT WILL GET HIM INTO TROUBLE.

IT'S REALLY HARD FOR ME TO KEEP MY FRIDGE FULL. IF I BUY A LOT OF FOOD, IT ENDS UP GOING BAD. IF I BUY A LITTLE BIT OF FOOD, I EAT IT ALL AND IT LOOKS GHETTO. WHERE IS THE HAPPY MEDIUM?

LA IS A GREAT PLACE TO VISIT, BUT I DO BELIEVE THAT THE PEOPLE THERE HAVE SOME REAL PROBLEMS.

I THINK IT MAY BE TIME TO USE MY SELF-TANNER KIT (THE ST. TROPEZ TAN). I DON'T KNOW THOUGH. I'M SCARED OF TURNING ORANGE.