HERE'S MORE ON THAT MONEY-MAKING MAGIC TRICK I WAS TALKING ABOUT A FEW DAYS AGO. BASICALLY, YOU HAVE TO THINK TO YOURSELF, "I WANT TO FIND MONEY ON THE GROUND," BUT THE TRICKY PART IS THEN FORGETTING THAT'S WHAT YOU THOUGHT BUT KEEP LOOKING DOWN. IF THEY KNOW YOU'RE TRYING TO FIND MONEY, IT DOESN'T SHOW UP. I'M NOT SURE WHY. BUT THAT'S HOW IT WORKS. I'VE FOUND $46 DOLLARS IN THE LAST MONTH WITH THIS MAGICAL TRICK.

HERE'S A TRICK. I WOULDN'T BE SHARING IT IF IT DIDN'T REALLY WORK. WHEN YOU'RE WALKING AROUND, THINK HARD TO YOURSELF, "I WANT TO FIND MONEY ON THE GROUND". THEN TRY TO FORGET IT. WITHIN A COUPLE OF BLOCKS, IF YOU KEEP LOOKING DOWN, YOU WILL FIND SOME MONEY ON THE GROUND. I WOULDN'T BE SHARING IF IT DIDN'T REALLY WORK.

ATTENTION L-WORD FANS: YOU NEED HELP.

I PICKED UP A STAR WARS TOY AT A GARAGE SALE AND IT REVEALED TO ME A SECRET ABOUT MY LIFE. HOW PROUSTIAN IS THAT?

THANKS TO MY VIP STATUS, I WAS GIVEN A GIFT BASKET ($250 VALUE!) LAST NIGHT AT THE GOOD VIBRATIONS XXX-MAS PARTY. IT WAS FILLED WITH STUFF LIKE A VIBRATING DOLPHIN PERSONAL MASSAGER AND EROTIC LEOPARD SKIN BLINDFOLD. I WAS GOING TO THROW IT IN THE TRASH, BUT THEN I REMEMBERED THAT I HADN'T BOUGHT ANY OF MY NIECES CHRISTMAS PRESENTS.

IN THE DREAM I HAD DURING MY MID-AFTERNOON NAP TODAY, I WAS MADE CO-HOST OF A SHOW ON FOOD TV WITH RACHEL RAY WHERE WE WENT CITY-TO-CITY LOOKING FOR SHOPPING BARGAINS, LIKE SHE DOES ON "$40 A DAY". EVEN IN MY DREAM HAVING TO WORK WITH RACHEL RAY WAS A MIXED BLESSING.

I HAD NO IDEA BUYING A PAPER SHREADER EARLIER THIS WEEK WOULD GIVE ME SUCH A FEELING OF IMPORTANCE.

THE MOST PERFECT VOICEMAIL:

Jack, it's _____, I'm feeling mischevious. Give me a call.

GUESS WHAT? HOMELESS HAVE CELL PHONES NOW. I'VE SEEN A FEW ON THEM TALKING ON METRO PCS PHONES. IT MAKES SENSE SINCE THEY CAN'T GET LAND LINES.

MY FRIEND HAD A PINK FLAMINGO HELIUM BALLOON TIED TO HER WRIST TONIGHT. IT WAS DEFINATELY AN OMEN. PINK FLAMINGOS ARE ALWAYS OMENS.