DATELINE MEMORIAL DAY 2004:

I WAS RAPED ON A TRAMPOLINE BY A TRANNY. GOOD TIMES!

ON "MTV HITS" THEY'RE ONLY PLAYING MADONNA VIDEOS FOR TEN DAYS STRAIGHT. WHILE I'M NOT FOND OF MADONNA, OR MTV HITS FOR THAT MATTER, I DO LIKE THE SIMPLICITY OF IT ALL. I HOPE THAT ONE DAY EVERYONE HAS THEIR OWN CHANNEL.

GAY DAY AT GREAT AMERICA WITH LISA, ERICA AND RENT. WHO KNEW GAYS AND ROLLERCOASTERS COULD BE SO MUCH FUN? WE DID!

I DON'T UNDERSTAND PEOPLE WHO DON'T OWN A T.V. I MEAN, I UNDERSTAND NOT LIKING IT -- IN FACT, THERE'S FEW SHOWS I ACTUALLY WATCH -- BUT MINE IS ALWAYS ON. FROM THE MOMENT I COME HOME TO THE MOMENT I LEAVE, IT'S ON. MY APARTMENT FEELS LONELY WHEN IT'S OFF. I ALSO CAN'T FALL ASLEEP UNLESS IT'S ON. IT'S LIKE A FRIEND WHO YOU CAN IGNORE MOST OF THE TIME.

IF YOU WANT TO SEE A FEW SECONDS OF ME ON SWEDISH TELEVISION, CLICK ON THIS LINK AND THEN HIT WATCH THE CLIP THAT SAYS, "BOGPORRCASTING". THANKS.

TO COMMEMORATE THE LAST MONTH OF MY TWENTIES, I BAKED MYSELF A LEMON CAKE. WHILE IT WAS NICE ENOUGH LOOKING, AFTER I SNAPPED THIS PICTURE IT WENT RIGHT IN THE TRASH. IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW MANY YEARS "YOUNG" I AM -- WHO NEEDS ALL THOSE CARBS?!

I WAS AT A BAR WITH LISA AND SOMEONE CAME UP TO ME. THEY SAID, SHEEPISHLY, "MY FRIEND THINKS YOU'RE CUTE!" AND THEN HE WENT BACK WITH HIS "FRIEND" AND IT TURNS OUT HIS "FRIEND" WAS A GIRL! I WAS REALLY INSULTED.

IT'S INTERESTING HOW MUCH MORE TOLERABLE SOME PEOPLE ARE WHEN THEY HAVE A LARGE BAG OF COCAINE.

I am your girl

driving my little car

I am your girl

AS I WAS GETTING READY FOR THE GYM TODAY AND I CAUGHT A GLIMPSE OF MY BODY IN THE MIRROR. I DECIDED NOT TO GO, BECAUSE LET'S FACE IT: YOU CAN'T MESS WITH PERFECTION!

I HAVE A REAL HARD TIME WITH HOUSEPLANTS. I'D NEVER HAD THEM, UNTIL I GOT MY OWN PLACE. SINCE THEN, I'VE GOTTEN THREE -- TWO WERE DOING FINE UNTIL ONE DAY THEY EACH SUDDENLY DIED. I HAVE THIS ORCHID THAT'S GREAT BUT ONE DAY IT JUMPED OUT THE WINDOW. IT'S STILL AROUND BUT IT HASN'T BEEN THE SAME SINCE THE SUICIDE ATTEMPT. I'M REALLY GOING TO MISS MY STRING OF PEARLS. RIP.

TWO RECENT DREAMS OF SWALLOWING TINY SHARDS OF GLASS AND THESE TEENSY, THIN NEEDLES HAVE BEEN HAUNTING ME.

FEW CANDY COMPANIES ARE BRAVE ENOUGH TO MIX TOASTED COCONUT WITH PEANUT BUTTER. THE MAKERS OF CHICK-O-STICK ARE ONE OF THEM AND THEY SHOULD BE COMMENDED FOR THEIR OUTSIDE-THE-BOX THINKING.

STILL REELING FROM MY TRIP TO WALLGREENS.

I WAS THE GUEST STAR OF A HIT TV SHOW TODAY. THEY SAID I WAS "REAL FUNNY". I HAVE A HARD TIME BELIEVING THAT I'M THAT INTERESTING. IT WAS FUN THOUGH.

FRIDAY NIGHT AND I HAD BEEN COOPED UP IN MY APARTMENT ALL DAY. I NEEDED A BREAK. SO I WENT TO WHERE ELSE BUT WALLGREENS. NOT THE ONE ON GEARY, BUT THE ONE ON POWELL, WHICH IS 2 BLOCKS FURTHER AWAY BUT THEY HAVE A BETTER SELECTION OF FOOD (EVEN THOUGH I WENT JUST TO BROWSE.) MAN, I HAD SUCH A GREAT TIME! I STOLE THESE SMILEY-FACE TOE SEPARATORS. THEY WERE PLAYING "IF I COULD TURN BACK TIME," WHICH COMBINED WITH "BALLOON MAN" WHICH WAS PLAYING ON MY IPOD MADE THIS REALLY GREAT "MASH UP". I WISH YOU, GENTLE READER, WERE THERE TO SHARE IN ON THE FUN WITH ME.

I BOUGHT A SELF-TANNING KIT (THE ST. TROPEZ TAN!) AT SEPHORA THE OTHER DAY BECAUSE A BUNCH OF PEOPLE IN LA SAID I WAS LOOKING PALE. I'M SCARED TO USE IT.

I SAW A DOCUMENTARY ON THE BERMUDA TRIANGLE TONIGHT -- IT'S REAL!!!

IT STARTED AS A HEALTY WEEK, BUT ALREADY BY TODAY, ALL I'VE EATEN IS BACON, JUNIOR MINTS (WHICH ARE SO GREAT FROZEN), TWIZZLERS, AND AIRHEADS.

FIGURED I WOULD START OF THE WEEK RIGHT ... BECAUSE, WELL, I'M WORTH IT ... SO I MADE MYSELF A WILTED SPINACH SALAD.

IT STARTED AS A GREAT DAY -- I HAD A MODELLING SESSION, AND THEN GOT A TATTOO WITH LISA AND ERICA. BUT THEN I REALIZED IT WAS MY DAD'S DEATH-A-VERSARY AND SO I FELT LIKE A JACKASS. MAN, I FORGET IT EVERY YEAR.

GOT REAL DRUNK. BEDSPINY DRUNK.