I HAVE SOME REAL PROBLEMS. THIS IMAGE KEEPS COMING INTO MY MIND: WHAT IF MY TEETH FELL OUT AND IN THEIR PLACE I GREW HAIR ... A MOUTH FULL OF HAIR SPROUTING OUT OF THE SOCKETS WHERE MY TEETH ONCE WERE. WHEN I THINK OF THIS, I BECOME ITCHY. I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT IT. LIKE I SAID, I HAVE SOME REAL PROBLEMS.

MY NEW FRIEND ERICA USES FACE CREAM ALL OVER HER BODY. NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL DECADENT!

A GENTLEMAN CALLER WAS FIXING HIMSELF A GLASS OF WATER, WHEN HE SAW MY FOOT MASQUE FROM LUSH IN MY CRISPER (WHICH IS WHERE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO KEEP IT.) OH, GOD -- I FELT LIKE SUCH A FAG!

MADE A NEW FRIEND TODAY, BUT LOST ABOUT 3. AT THIS RATE, I'LL HAVE NONE LEFT IN ABOUT 3 MONTHS.

IF ONLY I COULD SAY, "SORRY FOR THE LACK OF UPDATES, I'VE BEEN REAL BUSY," BUT I HAVEN'T BEEN. PLUS I'M NOT REALLY SORRY.

DID YOU KNOW THAT THEY DON'T REALLY HAVE SATURDAY MORNING CARTOONS ANYMORE?

ON "FULL HOUSE" TODAY, DEEJ WAS AUDITIONING FOR A COMMERCIAL FOR OAT BOATS CEREAL -- AND SHE WAS DOING REAL GOOD. SHE WENT WITH JOEY TO PUT MONEY IN THE METER, AND LEFT STEPH IN THE CASTING OFFICE -- ONLY TO BE DISCOVERED BY THE DIRECTOR. I REALLY FELT FOR DEEJ. I COULDN'T LEAVE MY HOUSE FOR A DAY, I WAS SO SAD. I HAD TO SLEEP UNDER MY BED I WAS SO SAD.

BREATHTAKING HIGHS + HEARTBREAKING LOWS = MINDNUMBING MEDIOCRACY. THAT'S MARXIST THEORY APPLIED TO MY LIFE.

BOY, AM I A SUCKER FOR ANYTHING MARKED "HALF OFF".

BRIEF HISTORY OF MY THEORETICAL DRAG NAMES: JAQUELINE MOLASSES, L'PRONDA CLAMBURBER, MILDRED FIERCE.

I WOULD BE SO HEALTHY IF IT WASN'T FOR MY OCCASIONAL INDULGENCE IN CANDY. AND PILLS. AND FAST FOOD. BUT OTHER THAN THAT I'M REALLY DOING GREAT.

LOST ANOTHER TOENAIL.

WHILE FLATTERING TO BE ASKED TO GHOST-WRITE A STATEMENT FOR SOMEONE, IT'S ULTIMATELY DEPRESSING AND LEAVES ME SOMEWHAT UNFULFILLED.

I MADE MATZOH BALL SOUP TODAY. WITH PORK INSTEAD OF CHICKEN ... JUST FOR LAFFS!

PER JEFF'S URGING, I DECIDED TO START EATING HEALTHY.

THIS MAY JUST BE A SHAMELESS PLOY FOR VALIDATION, BUT IF YOU SEND FAN MAIL TO MY NEW G-MAIL ACCOUNT, I *MAY* BE ABLE TO INVITE YOU TO BE A BETA TESTER, TOO.

WHAT I ATE TODAY (IN ORDER):

2 POP TARTS, APPROX. 25 JELLYBEANS, "BIG GRAB" OF RUFFLES, 12 OZ. BOTTLE OF DIET COKE WITH LIME, ONE VEGETARIAN CORN DOG, ONE PIG-IN-BLANKET, SEVERAL BROWNIES, THREE PANNYCAKES (THEY WERE SMALL), FOUR PIECES OF BACON, HALF A HOSTESS CUP CAKE.

LATELY, WHEN I HAVE GOOD-TYPE DREAMS, THE DAY TURNS OUT TO BE SUCH A DISAPPOINTMENT.

TODAY WAS A FINE DAY BUT NOTHING WORTH REPEATING.

I GOT FOUR BIG-FORMAT INTERVIEW MAGAZINES AND WAS FEELING A BIT GUILTY (SINCE I'M TRYING NOT TO SPEND MONEY), BUT THEN I KISSED FOUR BOYS AND SOMEHOW THAT PUT MY MIND AT EASE. SYMMETRY.

I GOT INTERVIEWED FOR THE NYTIMES THIS AM. IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE BETWEEN THEM, AVN, THE SWEDES AND THE ITALIAN AND BRITISH FASHION MAGAZINES, YOU MIGHT THINK I WAS ACTUALLY DOING SOMETHING IMPORTANT. BUT LIKE I SAID BEFORE ... NOTHING WORTH REPEATING.

I THOUGHT I HAD A FASHION BREAK-THROUGH TONIGHT BY GIVING MYSELF A "REVERSE MOHAWK," BUT IT WAS MET WITH A MIXED RECEPTION AT THE CLUBS. THOUGH I FIND IT EXHILARATING TO CUT MY OWN HAIR, I'M THINKING I SHOULD LEAVE THE MORE ADVANCED HAIR-CUTTERY TO THE PROFESSIONALS.

THOUGH I'VE BEEN TRYING TO SAVE MONEY, I WENT ON A BIT OF A SHOPPING SPREE TODAY AT WALGREENS. I GOT A LARGE BAG OF STARBURST-BRAND JELLY BEANS, A BAG OF CHOCOLATE CREAM OREOS, REISEN CHOCOLATE-COVERED CARAMELS, A HERSHEY'S SMORES BAR, BROWN SUGAR CINNAMON POP TARTS, A BOX OF COOKIE CRISP (WHICH TASTES MUCH BETTER THAN I REMEMBER) AND A TWO LITER BOTTLE OF DCWL (DIET COKE WITH LIME.)

I PURCHASED ONE OF THOSE NEW FANCY "AIR SANITIZERS," BUT. LISA SAYS SHE HEARD THEY KILL SMALL PETS SO EVEN THOUGH I DON'T HAVE ANY SMALL PETS I'M AFRAID TO USE IT.

I AM THE PROUD OWNER OF A $59.95 PLASTIC BANANA.

I WENT TO A WEDDING LAST NIGHT WHERE THEY SERVED ASPARAGUS. LATER, I WENT TO PISS, AND THE ENTIRE BATHROOM REEKED OF THAT PECULULAR "ASPARAGUS PISS" SMELL. I TOTALLY GAGGED. NEVER SERVE ASPARAGUS AT A PARTY.

MY CURIOUS AND UNEXPECTED SWEDISH FETISHIZATION CONTINUES. TODAY A HANDSOME SWEDE TOOK ME TO THE SWEDISH AMERICAN HALL ... IN HIS SAAB NO LESS! WE ALSO ATE CRISPY TACOS, BUT THAT DOESN'T REALLY FIT IN.

OMG! CHRISAFER SAID I LOOK EXACTLY LIKE MARK RUFFALO! OK, I TOLD HIM TO SAY THAT, BUT STILL, I'LL TAKE IT WHERE I CAN GET IT EVEN IF IT'S BY COERTION.