AT THE BOOKSTORE WITH RALPH TODAY, THE WOMAN BEHIND THE COUNTER GAVE ME A FRAMED PICTURE OF TONY DANZA! ALL I DID WAS ASK ABOUT IT. I THINK RALPH GOT JEALOUS. YOU SHOULD REALLY GO TO THIS STORE!!!!

"THE FABULOUS LIFE OF ... DONALD TRUMP" DOESN'T SOUND VERY FABULOUS AT ALL. THEY SAID HE ONLY SLEEPS 3-4 HOURS A DAY! I CAN'T IMAGINE. I MEAN, THESE DAYS I'M ONLY UP FOR 3-4 HOURS A DAY.

I'M BEING INTERVIEWED FOR AN ITALIAN FASHION MAGAZINE TODAY. LAST WEEK, IT WAS SWEDISH TV. WHEN, OH WHEN, WILL I GET ACCEPETED IN MY OWN COUNTRY?

I'D LIKE TO SHARE SOMETHING WITH YOU: SOMETIMES I RIP OFF MY TOENAILS. TODAY I DID. I'M NOT EXACTLY SURE WHY I DO IT, SINCE IT HURTS VERY MUCH. I HAVE PROBLEMS, I GUESS.

WHEN I THINK THERE'S A CHANCE I'LL BE VISITED BY A HANDSOME GENTLEMAN CALLER, I DON'T HAVE A HARD TIME CLEANING MY APARTMENT. OTHERWISE, IT CAN BE VERY DIFFICULT FOR ME.

I TURNED ON THE TV AS I TRIED TO FALL ASLEEP TODAY. BY THE TIME I HAD FALLEN ALSEEP, I HAD WATCHED "DIRTY DANCING," "HEAD OVER HEELS," AND "BRING IT ON". THEY WERE ALL VERY, VERY GOOD.

TODAY IS HARD TO WRITE ABOUT FOR SOME REASON.

MY CRISIS OF CONFIDENCE IS OFFICIALLY OVER. AT LEAST FOR NOW.

FOR DINNER TONIGHT I HAD A TENDER GRILLED CHICKEN BREAST IN AN HERB WINE SAUCE WITH BUTTERY WHIPPED POTATOES AND A CRISP STEAMED VEGETABLE MEDLEY. HEY, DON'T GIVE ME THAT LOOK ... IT WAS LEAN CUISINE!

I CAME HOME TONIGHT AND THE WAY MY BLANKETS WERE FOLDED, IT LOOKED LIKE SOMEONE WAS IN MY BED. THE FREAKSHOWS I'VE BEEN TAKING HOME LATELY, IT SEEMS LIKE A MATTER OF TIME UNTIL ONE OF THEM PULLS A STUNT LIKE THAT.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS UP WITH FOOD TV TODAY BUT ALL THEY'RE PLAYING IS SHOWS ABOUT PIZZA. ANYONE WHO KNOWS ME KNOWS THIS THIS IS TORTURE.

THE HORRORS OF AN INEXPLICABLY RECHID EVENING OUT ON THE TOWN WERE OFFSET BY THIS INNATE FEELING THAT I KNEW I WAS GOING TO WIN THE LOTTERY. I DIDN'T, WHICH MAKES IT ALL THE MORE WORSE. I DID GET THE MEGA NUMBER, WHICH I THINK MEANS I WIN A DOLLAR ... SO THAT'S GOOD.

SLEPT MOSTLY. DID SOME SHOP(LIFT)ING WITH MIKE.

IF YOU ARE SO INCLINED, YOU CAN READ ABOUT MY DAY IN SICKENING DETAIL HERE.

I WOULD BE SO HEALTHY IF IT WASN'T FOR MY OCCASIONAL INDULGENCE IN CANDY. AND PILLS. AND FAST FOOD. BUT OTHER THAN THAT I'M REALLY DOING GREAT.

I HAD A GRAPEFRUIT FOR DINNER BECAUSE I'M WATCHING MY FIGURE. LATER, I RAN INTO THE GUY WHO STARTED THOSE NASTY HOMELESS RUMORS ABOUT ME. HE SAID I LOOKED "CLEANED UP."

IT WAS A WARM DAY, AND I WOKE UP AT A "DECENT HOUR," SO I DID UNEMPLOYED-TYPE THINGS LIKE SIT IN THE PARK AND SNAP PICTURES OF NOTHING WITH NOAH.

SLEPT MOSTLY.

I TOOK PICTURES OF A DOG.

I TOOK PICTURES OF STAINS.

I TOOK PICTURES OF GAY PORN STARS.

I HAD A TINY BIT OF STUFF TO TAKE CARE OF TODAY, BUT I WAS FEELING SLUGGISH, SO I DRANK A CUP OF COFFEE. AND THEN I FELL RIGHT ASLEEP. I WOKE UP LATER AND STILL FELT SLUGGISH, SO I DRANK ANOTHER CUP AND THEN FELL RIGHT ASLEEP AGAIN. DOES ANYONE KNOW WHY THIS WOULD HAPPEN?

ME AND SOME FRIENDS HAD HOFBRAU FOR DINNER. I HATE TELLING PEOPLE WHAT TO DO, BUT DO CONSIDER HAVING HOFFBRAU FOR DINNER TONIGHT.

IN RESPONSE TO THE MANY INQUIRIES I'VE RECEIVED: NO I HAVE NOT GOTTEN GAY-MARRIED YET. ANY INTERESTED PARTIES SHOULD INQUIRE HERE.

I HAVE A TO-DO LIST FOR TOMORROW. TEN ITEMS I MUST GET DONE. GRANTED, ONE OF THE ITEMS IS "WAKE UP," BUT STILL.

OVER AN ICED GLASS OF CRYSTAL LIGHT IN HIS LANAI, MY FRIEND, ALEX, TOLD ME OF HIS EXCITING PLANS TO REVOLUTIONIZE THE ADULT BEVERAGE INDUSTRY. IT'S REALLY EXCITING. I WISH I COULD SAY MORE, BUT NOT UNTIL HE GETS HIS PATENT.

I'VE BEEN LEARNING LATELY THAT WHEN YOU GET "TO KNOW" SOMEONE, YOU'RE REALLY JUST GETTING TO KNOW THEIR PROBLEMS.

"WAKE UP, GO OUTSIDE, IT'S A GORGEOUS DAY OUT," SOMEONE CALLED ME TODAY TO TELL ME. I WENT OUTSIDE AND IT WAS SUNNY ... BUT VERY COLD. A "BRISK" DAY, AS THEY'RE CALLED. THE WORST KIND, IF YOU ASK ME. MY "NEW ENGLAND" DAYS ARE LONG BEHIND ME.

MY DELETE KEY GOT STUCK AND STARTED ERASING AN EMAIL AS I WAS WRITING IT. BEFORE I REALIZED WHAT WAS REALLY HAPPENING, I THOUGHT MY COMPUTER HAD DEVELOPED A MIND OF ITS OWN AND WAS DISAGREEING WITH WHAT I HAD TO SAY.

ANOTHER FRIEND TURNED THIRTY TODAY. I DECIDED I'M GOING TO MAKE A T-SHIRT THAT SAYS, "THIRTY AND FABULOUS" FOR MY BIG DAY.

HAVING A "BAD CASE OF THE MONDAYS" IS A THING OF THE PAST FOR ME. I REALLY NEVER WANT TO WORK AGAIN IN MY LIFE.