ON MY WAY TO THE GYM, I PASSED BY THIS IRISH PUB AND THOUGHT TO MYSELF, "THIS IS MY IDEA OF HELL." AS I WAS LEAVING THE GYM, A FRIEND CALLED ME AND ASKED IF I WANTED TO GO TO A BIRTHDAY PARTY WITH HIM ... AT THAT VERY SAME PUB. I RELUCTANTLY AGREED TO JOIN HIM FOR ONE DRINK, AND I DIDN'T HAVE A TERRIBLE TIME. THEY WERE PLAYING BELLE AND SEBASTIAN.

AM I IN HELL?

MY FRIEND COOKED ME TONKATSU THE OTHER NIGHT, AND I WACHED HIM VERY CLOSELY. I TRIED TO RECREATE THE DISH THIS EVENING FOR AN INFORMAL DINNER PARTY THAT I WAS THROWING AND IT JUST CAME OUT ALL WRONG, EVEN THOUGH I DID EVERYTHING HE DID. I HATE WHEN THAT HAPPENS. IT WAS ALSO KYONA'S BIRTHDAY. MY BABY GORILLA IS ALL GROWN UP NOW.

I SAW "THE PASSION OF JC" TONIGHT, AND IT WAS PRETTY FUCKED UP. WHEN I WAS WALKING HOME FROM MIKE'S HOUSE LATER, I TOTALLY GOT THE HEEBIE-JEEBIES.

TIME TO MAKE THE DONUTS. NOT. HA HA.

I BOUGHT "PRESERVATIVE FREE" PICKLES AT WHOLE FOODS. I BIT INTO ONE AND IT TASTED SO FUNKY I HAD TO SPIT IT OUT. LOOKS LIKE ITS BACK TO VLASIC FOR ME.

WHEN I HAD A JOB I NEVER GOT ANYTHING DONE ON MONDAYS SO I DON'T REALLY SEE WHY THINGS SHOULD CHANGE NOW THAT I'M UNEMPLOYED.

PEOPLE HAVE BEEN SAYING I'VE BEEN LOOKING KINDA HOMELESS LATELY. ONE FRIEND EVEN HAS STARTED CALLING ME "HOMELESS JACK." I DON'T THINK THEY'RE RIGHT.

TONIGHT I MET SOMEONE WHO HAS THE WORST JOB IN THE WORLD: PERSONAL ASSISTANT TO A PORN STAR. YOU HAVE TO APPLY MAKE UP TO THEIR BALLS WHEN THEY DO A PUBLIC APPEARANCE.

WENT TO A PARTY WHERE THEY THOUGHT IT WOULD BE FANCY TO SERVE SHRIMP COCKTAIL. SO MY NEW FRIEND "METAL P." AND I INVENTED A GAME CALLED "THROW THE SHRIMP." IT WAS THE HIT OF THE PARTY.

I WORE PACHOULLI OIL TO THE EAGLE TONIGHT IN THE HOPES OF GETTING INTO A FIGHT. IT WORKED.

MORE TROUBLE IN THE TANNER HOUSEHOLD. KIMMY GIBBLER THOUGTH WEARING FAKE BREASTS WOULD MAKE HER FIT IN BETTER IN JUNIOR HIGH. I ALWAYS THOUGTH SHE WAS A SKANK.

SPECIAL DOUBLE ENTRY::
TWO WHOLE DAYS AND GOING TO THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY WAS THE HIGH POINT.

SPECIAL DOUBLE ENTRY::
TWO WHOLE DAYS AND GOING TO THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY WAS THE HIGH POINT.

TODAY JUST SORT OF HAPPENED, BUT I WASN'T PAYING MUCH ATTENTION.

I BRUSHED MY HAIR AND TEETH TODAY BUT IT DIDN'T SEEM TO MAKE MUCH OF A DIFFERENCE IN THE LONG RUN. AT A PARTY WE TOLD PEOPLE IT WAS COCAINE BUT IT WAS REALLY LAUNDRY DETERGENT ... JUST FOR LAFFS!

IT WAS A FRIDAY THE THIRTEENTH, FOR SURE. I GOT STOOD UP FOR LUNCH AND THEN I HAD A SUPERNATURAL EXPERIENCE.

NOTHING.

LISA TOOK ME TO CHEVY'S FRESH MEX. I GOT THE FAJITAS. WE SAT THROUGH TWO HOURS OF "CHELSEA GIRLS". A "FAMOUS" PHOTOGRAPHER WAS GOING TO TAKE MY PICTURE BUT THEN DIDN'T.

TOOK TWO NAPS. LATER, I'M GETTING DONUTS WITH RALPH.

TODAY I DIDN'T DO SHIT.

MY NEW DISHWASHING LIQUID CLAIMS TO BE AROMA THERAPUTIC; ESSENCES OF YLANG YLANG AND LAVENDAR HAVE ANTI-STRESS PROPERTIES. I FEEL LIKE THAT'S A REALLY TALL ORDER.

MY SHOE FETISH IS BACK IN FULL-EFFECT. I USED TO BUY A NEW PAIR EVERY OTHER WEEK, BUT THEN IT STOPPED. NOW IT'S BACK, I'M HAPPY TO REPORT.

SWIFTER REALLY HAS SOME GREAT CLEANING PRODUCTS ON THE MARKET.

WHEN I WAS A KID, I HAD THIS DOG. HE WAS A STRAY -- A SWEET LITTLE BOXER, MY DAD NAMED TIGER. I LOVED HIM SO. ONE DAY I FOUND THAT HE HAD A PATCH OF HAIR GROWING BETWEEN HIS TWO FRONT TEETH. I COULD NEVER LOVE HIM THE SAME AFTER THAT DAY.

VAMPIRES ARE EVERYWHERE, OR SO I'VE LEARNED.

FOR SOME REASON, I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO EAT ANOTHER VIETNAMESE SANDWICH. THE MERE THOUGHT OF THEM MAKES ME ILL. I'M NOT SURE WHY, I USED TO THINK THEY WERE SOOO GOOD.

YOU KNOW, THERE'S A PART OF ME THAT LIKES HERAING GUNSHOTS OUTSIDE MY WINDOW. IT MAKES ME FEEL SAFE, SOMEHOW.

THERE'S MORE CHICKENS THAN PEOPLE. NOW THAT'S SOME FUCKED UP SHIT.